As I sit by my Mom's bedside as she reaches the end of her life, my head is full of memories, my heart is full of sadness and my soul feels like it is in limbo. I am talking one minute and 10 minutes later, my heart is breaking. I don't want to let go but I want her to be at peace. She is tired. She has been tired for a long time. She is two weeks short of her 88th birthday. She gave it a good run.
Oh I will miss her. She hasn't spoken for a long time but she loves to listen. Her two favourite things for the past few years have been music and food. Unfortunately, enjoying a turkey dinner or a piece of lemon pie became being fed a plate of puree and a cup of tea became sipping a cup of thickened gook. But she continued eating and drinking. She kept on smiling. She smiled all the time. She would say something to herself and laugh. In her own world of dementia, she found a happy place. That is what I will miss the most - that wonderful smile that brightened up my world.
Oh she loved to go out stepping. Before she broke her hip in the Care Home, I would help get her all dressed up, put makeup and earrings on her and she would feel so good and walk so proudly. A dinner at Perkins, a dinner play at Celebrations, a hamburger at Salisbury House - she and I enjoyed everything we did together. After she was confined to a wheelchair, I lost my 'going out' companion But we still had lots of good times - parties with cake or picnics in the garden of the Care Home. And many singalongs - oh how she loves music. Dad was always playing the guitar or piano. Our home was always full of music, love and good times. I have been very blessed in my life - a kind and gentle father, a supportive and caring mother and an extraordinary and lovable brother.
My Mom suffered the loss of her husband in 1996. He was 69. And 4 years later, she had to endure the loss of her adored son. He was 44. Mom had been in the early stages of dementia but her brain's way of coping with this devastating loss was to sink her deeper into the web of dementia. She got robbed of her independence.
After a few days of being in the Care Home, she left her anger behind and give me a special gift. She gave me a moment that no money in this world could buy. She thanked me for placing her in the Home and told me that she knew it must have been a difficult decision. All the anxiety and guilt we all feel when we place a parent in a Care Home was lifted. Thank you so much for that Mom. That enabled me to go on with my life knowing that you were accepting and settled. A precious moment and a precious Mother.
Mom will be at peace soon - her dementia a thing of the past. And I believe that she will be reunited with my Dad and brother. Have a wonderful reunion Mom and I will try not to be too selfish in my grief. And one day all four of us will be reunited. I will always love you and I know I will be with you again. We can laugh together once more. Have a good journey and never stop smiling. Your loving daughter Pam
